The message keeps coming to me in conversations – forgive – in books I’m reading – forgive – in a favor for a friend – forgive – in a lecture series I listen to while driving – forgive.
I have forgiven a lot but not all. I’m holding on to a tiny morsel, but why? Why not let it all go, every last piece?
I realized that my anger is my only connection to my mother. My anger is like a rope attaching a row boat to a dock. If I let go of that last shred of anger, all connection to my mother will be gone. The boat will drift away, and I’ll be standing at the shore without her.
For years, I wanted to make other connections to her, loving connections, trusting connections, to further secure her boat to the dock. But we were unable to.
You see – anger isn’t truly a connection anyway. I’ve been fooling myself. So today, I let all of it go and step into a whole forgiveness. As the boat drifts off, I may sob. As time goes on, I may check the horizons to see if the boat returns. But I’ll do so with love and nott anger. And I’ll look at this shore as my own life, my own responsibility, something I’m building and creating every day. Not just this thing that grasps at a boat.